In December, I will be a baubled bangled Christmas tree with soup bowls draped all over me.

When I was 10 years old, I wanted to go to Yale Law.

What ever happened to my aspirations?

When I was 10, I also had an extensive wad of pencils.

Now that I am seventeen + 1/2...

I'm not quite sure what I have.

Well, I applied to my top choice last month. 

& I got deferred. 

Deferred. Deferred. Deferred.

for anyone who wants to know. 

I am back from my break. And now, it still hurts to think of the word. 

So, I didn't get rejected. But somehow, it feels so much worse. 

I mean, I spent the last year+ of my life praying. It just feels kind of...

weird.

Before I found out, I wasn't sure how I would feel if others were accepted and I wasn't. I seriously considered deleting my Facebook just so I wouldn't have to view those status updates.

But somehow, afterward, it was almost kind of zen. I don't know how to phrase it without sounding contemptuous, but, I am truly happy for those who got accepted.

I would imagine how I would feel getting accepted, the whole world's weight off my shoulders, joyous tears flowing, smiles-a-million, and relate to how you guys would feel.

I was taken by surprised in the form of an e-mail. And you can imagine what ensued next...

But there's so many beautiful things in life. So why can't I get over it?

I mean, I have the beautiful opportunity to go to college. I plan to go to graduate school. I plan to create a non-for-profit organization. I have the whole world at my feet. 

The sad part is, my parents have erased the word "deferred" from their vocabulary. They don't look to me with bleak expressions, they moved on with the times. It's kind of in their job description as parents to love me. But still, they're extremely soothing and comforting. In some way, I feel as if I've let them down. My mother tells me now that it's okay to be average.

But with all my stubbornness, I don't think it is.

I may be a little down now. But, I know I will jump this hurdle.
La vie est belle.

*Thanks to all who have given me little slips of confidence or big warm hugs. You're all so amazing and beautiful. You all inspire me to be a better person.