I know my Literature SAT Subject Test score now.
I don't know how I quite feel about it. I didn't study at all, I didn't plan to. I simply enjoyed those weekends leading up to the test free from anxiety.
And well, I did well. Not extraordinary, but okay to suffice.
It makes me wonder the importance of SAT tests. I used to study religiously, every single weekend for years and years and years, praying that my efforts would be worthwhile. And, they were...to a certain extent, anyway.
Sure, I've heard stories about people who didn't study at all, and received a 2400, but I never put that to heart. It's difficult to comprehend that in a world which values hard work and effort, SAT are the complete opposite. No college will ever know how hard you worked or how many days you spent studying, they only care about the results. Come to think of it...that's the same way with grades. Colleges don't know how hard the teachers are or how difficult the material is at your school, they simply care about the percentage.
And well, I understand that bit. There's a massive pool of applicants, how else can you dwindle it down? But, it's so hard to work so hard and not be the very best you expected yourself to be. Maybe I'm just an optimist, or a perfectionist, whatever you call it, I have a major flaw.
In my life in its entirety, I've always based happiness on grades. It sounds horrible, I know, and all I want to do is just freeze the thought in mid-air. But I just can't let it go. I know that when I get a rejection letter, I'm always going to blame myself in a "I'm smart, but just not smart enough" sort of light.
What have I done to prove that I deserve to living the life I'm living? To go to school everyday while other kids (be it in third world countries or not) dreaming about going everyday single day of their lives? I know other kids will try harder, and succeed. Why didn't God let them take my place?
Know why my favorite show is Skins? Because they're living lives more fucked up than I could possibly imagine. In some way, I find security. Too bad it's just a show.
